Shameful
by snozberry
Summary: Mickey was her first fuck and Ian was her first love. Mickey may have her innocence, but she gave the best of herself to Ian. What do these two shameful boys share, other than a troubled past, mutual attraction and a warped sense of right and wrong? Kev's hard-shelled south side foster sister Cassandra. Everyone gets what they want, eventually. MickeyxOCxIan Rated M
1. To The Night I Won't Remember

**Yes, this is MickeyxOCxIan, featuring Cassandra Donovan, Kevin's head-case foster sister.**

**Rated M for explicit themes, including drug use, coarse language, and sexual content.**

* * *

**To The Night I Won't Remember**

It wasn't easy peddling acid to the rich kids from the North side, especially at a football game, but it was possible. I had sixty bucks in my bra to prove that.

My best friend Ian Gallagher sat next to me on the bleachers, lighting up a cigarette. I had to blackmail the fucker to get him out here, but there was no one else I trusted to watch my back. Especially when I had over two hundred bucks worth of LSD and pot on me on high school property.

Ian was talking about his boss, Kash, but his eyes kept flickering to the field, lingering on the football players' asses much longer than necessary. I didn't blame him; when I wasn't scoping out potential customers or selling my merchandise, I found myself eye-fucking at the team, too.

I had always suspected that Ian was gay, but his sexual preferences weren't a big deal to me, and frankly, none of my business, so I never bothered to ask. If the kid liked sucking dick, who was I to judge?

I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a hypocrite.

In the five years I had known them, the Gallagher's had become a large part of my life. Living next door to them, with my brother Kevin, I was frequently pulled into their messes and given a mop to help them clean up.

I'm pretty sure that I'm more confused about Ian's sexuality than he is. Talk about giving mixed signals.

So many of the things he did were contradictory, like the night he slept innocently with me on my bed and then the next night slept on the floor. Or at that party last week when he kissed me, told me it didn't feel right, and then kissed me again.

Maybe he was just testing the waters, experimenting. Like my dad used to tell me before he cut my pills, you won't know if you like it unless you try it. So maybe Ian didn't know what he wanted. I did, and it was him.

I enjoyed spending time with the south side firecrotch. He knew how to party and he didn't give a fuck that I was crazy. Hell, I probably seemed normal to him. We had met in a group home, when he had to pull me off of my creepy caseworker. The old pedophile had grabbed my ass, so slammed his head against the table until Ian made me stop.

He helped me run away, and when I was caught and returned, he bought me cigarettes and shared his candy bar with me. We had been best friends ever since.

Ian was watching the sweaty jocks on the field, and I was watching him.

"You're still going to the party tonight, right?" Ian asked as he handed me the money from the dime bag he had sold.

Fuck, I had forgotten about that.

"Yeah, but I need to get rid of this shit quick, and then drop off Stan's dinner. North side kids don't party late." I said, spotting Mandy as she made her way towards us.

We hung around the parking lot afterwards, selling twice as much as we did during the game. Mandy had bribed her oldest brother with free drugs to drive us around.

"You sure it's safe to let him drive with a head full of acid?" I asked the skinny girl sitting next to me in the bed of her brother's piece of shit truck.

"Good question." Ian said, tightening his death grip on the side of the truck. Mandy was inspecting a crowbar she had pulled from the piles of junk surrounding us. "Does that look like blood to you?"

"Are you fucking kidding me, Mandy? If your psycho brother comes near me, I'll karate chop his fucking balls off."

She rolled her eyes, handing the crowbar to Ian.

"What's this for?" He asked, eyeing the metal tool anxiously.

"Cassie's beat up one Milkovich before, but you don't stand a fucking chance." Mandy muttered, glancing through the window at her oldest sibling. "After we stop by the bar, I'm going to sit up there and make sure this fuckwad doesn't get us pulled over."

"Who did you fight?" Ian suddenly asked, leaning forward to see me through Mandy, who had purposefully sat in between us.

"Mickey. He wouldn't hit her back, so she fucked him up." Mandy snickered.

"When did this happen?"

_Goddamnit Mandy, way to keep a secret. Fucking bitch._ I thought to myself as I lit my cigarette, wondering if I should tell him.

"Last summer, when you went to that ROTC camp. It's kind of a long story, I'll tell you later," I muttered, shooting a glare at Mandy. She just grinned, shrugging her shoulders.

Mandy knew what she wanted, too. She had been practically throwing herself at Ian all week since I had introduced them. But I had no excuse to be jealous, because Mandy was doing what I could not. She was confident, skilled at manipulating people, and had no qualms against it. And I may have told her that I wasn't interested in Ian.

She was a fucking lunatic, the poster-child for Daddy Issues, and safer to have on your side in a fight.

We stopped to get cheeseburgers for Stan, and then headed to the Alibi Room.

I could hear Stan yelling from the bottom of the staircase behind the bar, so I headed up and let myself in with my key.

My former foster-father, Stan, was pissing in the oven and ranting about Communists. His favorite topic to bitch about.

Kevin had been in three foster homes with me, and had always looked out for me. That's how I came to live with Stan above the Alibi Room; Kevin had talked to my case worker and pulled me from the group home. I had lived with Stan for years, but once his health started declining and he tried to catch me on fire as I slept, Kev and Veronica agreed to let me live with them.

I was used to the kind of shit Stan pulled, but it still pissed me off because I knew I would be the one cleaning up his piss.

"What the fuck, Stan!" I yelled, throwing his Reuben sandwich on the counter. I kicked the oven door shut as I made my way to the bathroom.

"That damn commie wants to protest my bar, I'll piss in his fuckin' mouth." He muttered, snatching the bag.

"Where's the booze? I ordered this pizza three goddamn hours ago, and you didn't even bring me my fuckin' beer. "

I rolled my dark green eyes as I checked my reflection in Stan's grimy mirror.

I was a little on the short side, with wide hips and overdeveloped breasts. My naturally blonde hair was dyed a dark purple, and sat in a neat braid on my chest so the wind wouldn't fuck it up. I was wearing my favorite well-worn leather jacket, a black tank-top, and Mandy's too-tight grey jeans. My flask was peeking out from the top of my boots, so I bent down and tucked it back in place.

I wasn't narcissistic, but I knew I was an attractive girl, and I looked at least two years older than I really was. Most kids had an identifier. Mandy was a slut, and I had big tits. Kids were assholes, but I'd much rather be remembered for my rack than the fact that I was easy.

I hopped in the back and pulled the plastic bag from my inner coat pocket, offering Ian a hit.

We had dropped three hits of acid by the time we reached the party, and Mandy quickly caught up as we ditched her brother and headed inside.

I wasn't even at the party for five minutes when I caught a guy trying to discreetly slip something into my drink. I grabbed the pill from his hand,inspecting it.

"It's gonna take a lot more than a roofie to fuck me up." I said, slipping the drug into my beer, knocking it back with speed that was acquired from years of drinking.

Ian had seen the entire thing, and practically threw the loser out of the front door. I hopped down the porch steps and dug through they guy's pockets as he struggled to sit up. After successfully robbing the kid of his money, drugs, and a lollipop I found in his pocket, I returned to the party.

"I can't believe you drugged yourself. Are you doing to date rape yourself, too?" Ian asked with a snicker, slipping his hand around my back to steady me as I stumbled up the steps.

Sometime later, Mandy was puking in the bathroom and Ian and I were smoking a joint by the door, waiting for our inebriated friend. Occasionally, someone would approach us and I'd sell them some of my homegrown greens, but the party was dying down.

It wasn't even one yet. Fucking rich kids.

"So, you never told me why you fought Mickey…" Ian spoke up, holding the joint until I looked up at him. He handed it to me and frowned, "Or why you never told me some guy put his hands on you."

I didn't speak for a while, not wanting to dredge up _those_ memories. Finally, I passed him the joint and told him.

"Mickey gave me an STD."

"What?!"

"I said, Mickey gave me-" I began, but Ian cut me off quickly, an edge to his tone that I wanted to believe was jealousy, but sounded like disgust.

"You gave your virginity to dirty Mickey Milkovich?"

"Yeah, don't make a big deal about this," I muttered, feeling embarrassed. "Last summer, I fucked around with Mickey and got chlamydia. He told me he wasn't fucking anyone else, and I believed him. So when I found out I had it, I kicked his ass and stole this jacket."

"Well, it is a pretty bad ass jacket." Ian said with a grin.


	2. Sold My Soul to a Ginger

**Sold My Soul to a Ginger  
**

Lip came stumbling into the hall way with a very drunk Karen on his arm.

"Since when is there a line to fuck in the bathroom?" She giggled.

"Karen, you fucking threw up on my shoes. I'm washing them off and taking you home."

"I was joking. Jesus, who shit in your cheerios?"

"What are you guys doing?" Lip asked his brother conversationally, shaking Karen who was dozing off as she stood next to him.

"Waiting on Mandy." Ian replied, making a point not to look at his brother.

"Hey Cassie, wanna come over later? I stashed some beer in the van earlier, it should be nice and cold by now."

Ian stiffened next to me, but I ignored it, and accepted the invitation.

Eventually, Mandy came out of the bathroom, and I managed to sell the rest of the drugs I had on me. Kev came by and picked us up, dropping Mandy off first. When we pulled up, he killed the car but didn't unlock the door. I raised my eyebrow, wondering what I was about to get lectured for this time.

"You should probably find somewhere to stay tonight if you plan on sleeping. V and I are doing a few videos, and then we're celebrating afterwards."

"I just need to run in and get a few things. Drugs and food, the essentials," I said, not even affected by Kev's warning. It had been my idea that they start making videos, so I had spent most of the week at the Gallagher's, where their shouts were slightly more muffled than if I had been in my room.

Ian and Lip were passing around the bong when I climbed into the broken down van.

"You motherfuckers couldn't even wait five minutes for me," I said, pretending that I was offended.

"Calm down, pot head. There are plenty of drugs to go around," Lip said with a smirk, passing me the bong.

"So, when are we jumping Mickey?" Lip asked as he pissed out of the side of the van.

I punched Ian in his shoulder hard. "You told your brother?"

"It's Lip, I tell him everything," He rubbed his shoulder, grimacing. "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was a big secret."

"I could lose my spot in the kickboxing fights if rumors go around that I have an STD," I said as I lit my cigarette.

"I wouldn't worry about next week. You'll be up against mostly rookies," said Lip.

"Mostly?" I questioned him.

He hesitated for a moment. "And Mila."

Mila Herring was a rich bitch from the North side that took expensive kickboxing classes. I had met her once and that bitch was at the top of my hit list. I wondered if her make up would rub off on my fists when I beat her fucking face in next week.

"You feeling those roofies yet?" asked Ian, snatching my phone from my lap. A moment later, System of a Down started to play.

I giggled, rolling over to face him.

"You feeling the acid yet?" I shot back with a grin.

"You roofied yourself?" Lip interjected. "What's the occasion?"

"I stopped a sexual predator tonight, and stole his drugs. I saved countless fetuses from being aborted," I said proudly, cracking open another beer.

"You robbed a rapist and took his drugs?"

Ian laughed, grabbing my beer from my hands. He brought it to his lips and said, "Why do you look surprised?"

"Because I never thought I'd meet the perfect girl," Lip said with a laugh, handing me another beer to replace the one his brother stole.

"Fuck you, _Phillip._"

"Please, baby?"

Suddenly, Ian sat up, his shaggy red hair tousled and messy from laying on the pillows. His eyes were red and glassy, and his pupils were dilated.

"Lip she said fuck off, man," He snapped.

Lip scratched the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable.

"I always fuck with Cass. I know she's not interested in this Gallagher, so calm the fuck down."

_How the hell does Lip know?_

I went to light a cigarette to hide my embarrassment, but I had lost my lighter in the cushions and blankets strewn around the van. I dug around in my pocket and found the lollipop.

"Holy shit, is that a morphine pop?" Lip asked, lunging from my candy. I jumped over Ian, holding the candy to the window as I read the wrapper.

"Yup, cherry flavored. I got it from the would-be rapist," I said, popping it in to my mouth with a grin.

* * *

_I haven't been this fucked up in a while. I miss it. _I thought as I handed Ian the morphine lollipop. I knew the instant the drug kicked in as a wide smile nearly split his face in half. I missed his smile even more than the intense high.

Lip, Ian and I were lounging in the van, smoking and drinking and occasionally talking. It was peaceful.

I was staring at the colorful Christmas lights that were connected to an extension cord that we ran through my kitchen window last week. V would be pissed if she found out we had taken acid, and even more pissed if she found out we didn't share the morphine candy, so we had drawn the curtains closed.

The smoke shifted as the harsh breeze seeped in through the cracks of the van, writhing before me like ghostly waves. A ship balanced precariously on the cloudy breath that escaped through my lips, rocking back and forth as I laughed. I watched as my breath collided with the twirling ribbons of smoke and the ship capsized.

Fuck, I was high.

"What are you laughing at?"

I tried to focus on Ian's pale face, painted with the colorful lights that dripped like wax from the roof of the van. My vision was unsteady, and as I stared at him, his nearly black eyes seemed to grow impossibly larger until they consumed his face and began to fade into the darkness surrounding us. He looked like Johnny Depp from the Willy Wonka remake.

I could hear Lip's loud snores and the distant rumble of the L carried by the howling wind, and the sweet soulful voice of Serj Tankian.

"How is a raven like a writing desk?" I cackled, beginning my search for a lighter.

Five minutes had passed- or was it longer? - and finally I crawled over to the front seat, where Lip was sprawled out, and reached into his pocket.

"Aha!" I exclaimed, holding up the lighter triumphantly. Lip snorted and rolled over, pressing his face against the window. I paused until he began snoring again, louder than before.

I climbed back over the arm rest and practically threw myself down next to Ian. His dark eyes were clouded, but had shrunk back their normal size. I let out a relieved sigh and lit my cigarette, inhaling the polluted smoke with a sharp intake of breath.

"You know, I have a lighter." He said with a lazy smile as he followed suit and lit up his own smoke.

"Well that would've been nice to know ten fucking minutes ago," I muttered. I pulled the soiled blanket over my legs to ward off the chill.

"Hey, you said you were going on an adventure, not looking for a lighter."

I inspected the stains on the blanket curiously. Beer, soda, food, puke, and what could only be semen. Probably Lip's. I shoved it off of me in disgust, scooting closer to the ginger. Without missing a beat, he threw an arm around me and pulled me into his lap, opening his coat and wrapping it around me.

His body radiated heat, and the shivers than had wracked my body stopped as soon as he put his hands on me.

We sat in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of world around us that we had taken drugs to escape from. The growling of the L, the shrieking wind

Time dragged by blissfully slow, every atom in my body painfully aware of the close proximity of the red-headed Gallagher.

Where his skin touched mine, goosebumps arose. And every inch of flesh that wasn't pressed against his longed for it. I had it bad for Ian, that much I knew. But what was it about him that drew me in? True, we had more similarities than differences, but there was more to it than that.

He had never judged me, and never wanted anything from me other than my company. He didn't try to fuck me every five minutes, unlike most of the south-side assholes, including his older brother. He saw past the psychotic streak in me, my body, and all of my defenses. It both frightened and thrilled me.

I thought about it often, but I hadn't been able to put my finger on it. There was just something about him that captivated me, something special that I needed.

My thoughts bounced around in my head, ricocheting off of my skull. The silence between us grew from comfortable to strained, the tension tangible. Finally, he spoke.

"I've been seeing Kash," He admitted, his voice low and very close to my ear.

His warm breath fanned out across my exposed neck and ear, instantly warming my cool skin. I shivered, and lifted my cheek from his shoulder as I turned to face him.

"You're fucking your boss, and you didn't think it was important to tell your best friend?" I whispered, slightly offended. Ian and I told each other everything.

"Well, you didn't tell me when you lost your virginity, or when you found out you had STD."

Well, almost everything.

I knew I didn't have a right to be angry, but I was. Having gay sex with your married boss was one thing, but the mistake I had made last summer was so much worse.

"I'm gay."

There it was. I had suspected it for a while, and had even made a bet with his older brother about who he would come out to first.

Looks like I was getting Lip's Godsmack shirt.

"Why would you get Lip's shirt?"

Shit, did I say that out loud? Or was he reading my mind?

"Yes and no." He muttered, lighting a smoke. The cold seeped into my skin where his arm was before he moved, taking his warmth with him. I shuddered and wiggled around in his lap to get closer to him.

"Lip and I made a bet about who you would come out to first," I said, wrapping my arms around myself to ward off the chill. "If I won the bet, I got his shirt. If you told him first, I would have to show him my tits."

I wiggled a bit more to get comfortable but I was sitting on Ian's lap, and his cell phone was pressing into my ass.

He wrapped his arms tighter around me, encasing my smaller form with his lean muscular body. ROTC training had definitely paid off. The ginger Gallagher pulled me impossible closer to him until there was no room left between us for the cold to sneak in. His lips brushed my ear and his breath set fire to my cold skin as he murmured something that made my heart skip a beat.

"So what do I get out of it? Fighters get a cut of the bets..."

My heart quickened, beating loudly from behind my ribs, and I could feel my entire body throbbing in response. No doubt my face was redder than my friend's hair. A million dirty thoughts crossed my mind and the van suddenly became stifling. I decided not to turn around, not wanting to risk the brutal teasing he would give me if he knew I was embarrassed. Cassie Donovan was never embarrassed.

"Um, the satisfaction of getting it off your chest and being openly gay?" I managed to squeak out, all of the air being sucked from my lungs when Ian shifted beneath me. His phone must have fallen out of his pocket because it was directly under me. I would die of embarrassment if it suddenly vibrated.

"Can you take your goddamn phone out of your pocket? It's uncomfortable to sit on."

"That's not my phone, Cassie."

_Oh, God. I'm sitting on my gay best friend's erection._

_A very hard gay guy's dick._

_How the fuck do I wind up in these situations?_

**Thanks for the amazing feedback, guys. As a warning, I'm terrible about updating consistently. And to make it worse, I'm homeless right now so I've been sleeping on a friend's couch, and finals are coming up. College and adulthood are not what they're cracked up to be.  
**

**At least I still have my laptop, so I can catch Shameless :)**

**I almost died during the scene at Ian's club when he's dancing. Ohhhh myyyy...**

**Sexual content in the next chapter, as if the disclaimers I posted weren't enough of an indication of my perverted mind.**


	3. Snozberry is alive

**I'M ALIVE**

**BUT DON'T GET TOO EXCITED, GUYS.**

**I have some good and bad news.**

**Good News****: I finally have a stable home. I did for a few months there, but that didn't last long because my roommate found the shrooms, acid, and ganja that I was selling at the time. Whoops. At least she didn't call the cops.**

**Bad News****: I don't have regular computer access or the time to update right now. Which also means I have not been keeping up with the current season of Shameless.**

**More Good****: I wrote three more (excessively long) chapters on my laptop during my 6 month stint couch surfing, along with a lot of new stories, some of which were fanfiction.**

**More Bad****: My computer crashed and then I sold it for a motel room, so no updates on Cassandra, the Gallaghers until I can get over my frustration enough to rewrite them. And also find the time.**

**But now I have the best news of all!**

**WONDERFUL NEWS****: Not only do my lover and I have steady jobs and a stable home, but we are expecting our son to be here mid-August. Hence the struggle of finding time to rewrite those lost chapters and catch up on my show.**

**I realize that its taken me an excessively long time to update you all, and I really am sorry. Between working two jobs, hustling, my fibromyalgia, trying to get my shit together and prepare for the birth of my first son, being pregnant and homeless for the better part of a year, and having practically nothing besides the clothes on my back, replying to messages and reviews and updating my followers has been the least of my concern. It will be some time before I am able to write and post the next chapter. **

**I love you all and appreciate you so much. Thank you for the overwhelming support that you have given me. I will see you all again soon, and make it worth the wait. Maybe a super long chapter, or a double update. I'll surprise both of us.**

**Much love,**

**Bunny (aka snozberry)**


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